My enigma – a blog with a blend of romance.
Years ago I started reading the works of Mirza Ghalib, an urdu – persian poet. Ghalib had been one of my favorite’s, since then. “Mann” is one of my creation, inspired by his works.
ek aisi khamoshi
jo mere charon aur chayi thi,
kuch lafz mere hoton tak akar ruk gayi
uski dhadhkano ki awaaz meri kaano mein gunj rhi thi.
nazre ab nazro se milti nahin
faasile jo waqt ke saath badhthi gayi,
beetein hue kal ka anjaam hein yein.
ab kuch adhoore hum hein
kuch adhoora yeh jahan.
ab tanha meri saanse hein aur tanha meri dhadhkane
Away from the city chaos, taking a sip of the hot reviving brew, I kept staring at the setting ball of fire which struggled to portray it’s different shades. I started listening to him…..
As he described his affections for his beloved one, I kept wondering if it’s loving someone or being loved by someone, matter the most. I could sense an immense joy in him, as he described about her. He started running out of his words, as he tried explaining me that it’s the most beautiful thing that could have happened to him, and yet he never stopped talking. A tonne of adjectives for a person he admired the most, I believe that’s what magic is.
I never got an answer for this :
“I kept wondering if it’s loving someone or being loved by someone, matter the most”
But an answer which I got was…..
being into either of them is truly beautiful.
– a small snippet of my thoughts on a conversation over a cup of coffee
I slowly inhale a puff of smoke and again begin jotting my words….
A state of transcendence, which takes me away from myself leaves me far away from my conscious senses. In my nerves is an energy, that pushes me to conquer the unconquerable.
Yes, it’s my close encounter with her again that leaves me stunned again with her charisma but in this blog, lemme try to peep inside me and jot a few things.
What made me to write this blog ???
Perhaps it’s an inner voice, about which I describe in my previous blogs, perhaps its the words like “love” and “desire” which was earlier an illusion is now an illustration of my thoughts with a clearer image…..
What scares me the most ???
It’s neither the fear of rejections nor the criticisms. It’s just the fear of loosing things that I value the most now. A wave of feelings that always takes me away from myself, an unknown sense of rejoice.
Now as I write this, the smoke takes my senses down gradually and I fail to untangle my enigma…….
The memoirs of her dazzling eyes, mimicked the bright sparkling stars of a dark night…..
I just start loosing whole of me now……
High and intoxicated….
All I hear now is a sound of my breath, as the cold air passes beneath my skin.
As the sun shined bright , my heart flew high to reach the endless sky.
As she smiled, the sun rushed to dive deep into the rushing waves of the ocean.
making me high and intoxicated again….
a thousand question unanswered …
leaving me all alone with an enigma inside me, as I close my eyes.
It’s 4 in the morning, the cool air passes beneath my skin and it reminds me of that day, when I saw her for the last time….
As she walked along the seaside….
I was swallowed by the enigma in my mind.Was it the sparkle in her eyes or the sunset….I could never say which one was the most beautiful one’s.
As she walked along the seaside and when the tides kissed her feet, my heart skipped a beat.
Every time I look into her eyes and when the cool breeze got beneath my skin, the goosebumps and the warmth in my body fought together.
The voices inside my brain ask me to hold her hands and commands me to go with her for a walk along the seaside. But the voices remain buried in my body as I keep staring her. The moonlight blends with her beauty and carries my heart away.
Being back to this city again ….all I wish for,is a destiny where we cross our paths together…..
The fear of loosing her, haunted me every day. She had now been an obsession for me.
As I write these blogs, the fear which scared me has already defeated me. Her memories had now been the reason for my sleepless nights. Deep inside me is a wound, which has pierced my heart.
The memories makes noise , that haunts me. My heart screams and cries inside me. Running miles away from these noises and screams seem to be impossible for me. Even a glass of whiskey with the drowning cold cubes of ice, fails to put out the fire of memories inside me which had been burning inside me.
Now I am in search of a journey that can take me far away and heal my wounds.
The loneliness , silence and her aroma in the air , amalgamates all the memories inside my heart . Every second becomes tougher , as these feelings takes control of me.
These blogs have now become the pills for my sleepless nights.
In my last blog , I wrote about the day I met her but that wasn’t all about the day. We met again at the party. Things that had been happening with me since we met , was overwhelming. I wasn’t able to take my eyes off from her. Her charisma had completely engulfed me and now my brain had been working hard to think , about all those 1000 things which could have possibly brought us closer.
Even the alcohol in me was tired of attempting to intoxicate me. Each and every second I could feel my heart beating and the sound it made had surpassed the loud music in the party. Every time she moved away from me , my mind would have already been started wandering like an aimless nomad. As the party ended, I had already managed to think of a reason so that I could drop her back to the hostel . I was completely lost in my own world and her charisma had already taken control of me.
Every second now I spent with her, had a different story to tell. The euphoria in me was so intense, that I wanted to hold her hands tight forever.
This was the new beginning ……
The reason I started writing my blogs , begins here. The moment I write this , I believe I had certainly lost things that I never wanted to be . I even might have hurt some one I even I never wanted to . The volcano of my feelings hidden beneath my heart, just want to come out of my body and gift me with a redemption. The fear and the sadness has completely sedated me but still I pretend to be great and now I am tired doing that .
I believe these blogs can set me free. From now on I will account for each and every second from the past and the present, because each and every second and now means a lot for me. Things have taken such wrong turns, now the memories of every second gives me a pain of 10000 pins piercing my skin.
Its 4 in the evening , and its time for a coffee. We do have a great party to be thrown today in the office at night. I meet a bunch of my friends for my coffee and that is now I see a new face in my office. I saw her before two days , and I just wanted her to meet gain and talk to her. Trust me, it wasn’t the infatuation but the simplicity that she carried. I tried looking for her in the office for two days , but she never turned up. Today it surprise me , we had our coffee together , I managed to talk to her . I was overwhelmed, I just wanted to meet her again before I left my office.
I could see her from my work space and I don’t know there was something special about her. I could feel the clock tickle me every second and I had now decided that I can’t leave things always to the destiny. I just wanted to take control of things.
The joy, the eagerness and all the feelings I couldn’t explain had already made me the slave. Now it was a high time and I decided to take control of things , which I had to do because the feelings were intense and I had no choice, experiences in my past were a lesson.
Bangalore, the Silicon Valley of India ….its now more than a month here. A city that barely sleeps. The city has a different dimension and a different energy, each and every person I meet has a different story to say.
The workplace and this city had been the core of the tornado, which had completely swallowed me with its pace. Moving to a new city , had been an escape from a year long capture of my body by my heart. I never set my heart free to speak to the girl who had intoxicated and took a control of my mind and heart. It was the fear which didn’t allow me to do so. I was scared because I just didn’t want things to take a wrong turn. It was the fear of loosing her even as friend.
The feelings inside me had to be set free, because I had already realised that it was too late.It might have been the fear or the time which slipped away from my hands, when I tried holding it tight or it might be because I just let things to happen and I hope that was my biggest mistake.
Moving to a new city like Bangalore, has set me free. I often ask to myself was it just an infatuation or something which I couldn’t even figure it out.
It’s my last night at this city. I don’t know when I would be coming back again. But this city has something special in it , I don’t know , there had been a lot of times when I just wanted to escape from this city . But today I see things through a different dimension, was it she who was behind these beautiful changes that encountered me every second , now and then.
I don’t know if it’s the destiny , she agrees to catch up with us and she even decides to stay at our place. I am overwhelmed , I can feel the blood rushing inside me. Its a mixed feeling, I am pretty happy to have her along with us but at the same time I don’t want this day to end. I just don’t want to leave this city now.
I haven’t ever spent a day for such a long time , with her. Though I wanted to be unnoticed , I had my eyes on her. Every second of mine, was somethings magical. I just couldn’t take my eyes off from her.
It’s truly said often things we desire are either priceless or taken by some one else. She was so adorable. I haven’t figured it out yet , what was going on with me.
It’s time to leave this city. I am carrying some tonnes of priceless moments with me. It’s midnight , I just want to sneak out of my place without letting any one know. I just had my last second gazing at that priceless wonderful person who had seized my brain and heart. I could feel my heart skipping a beat every second.
I just took a cab and every second it took me away from the place that I just wanted to be in , it was just breaking my heart apart.
Now all I wait is for a moment in my destiny, which can gift me with such priceless moments……